


Kings of Cluelessness

by KaytheJay



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Fluff, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), M/M, dumb ass energy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:27:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25366099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaytheJay/pseuds/KaytheJay
Summary: Neither one of them knew how to confess their love to the other. They didn’t have any practice with this sort of thing, they’d never had feelings for anyone else in the entire history of the world. Instead of actually talking about it (which in hindsight would have saved a lot of trouble). The pair both decided to try and woo the other through various mating rituals from Earth’s animals.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	Kings of Cluelessness

**Author's Note:**

> This was based on a post made by @zezolia on Tumblr

It had been quite some time since Armegeddidn’t, a number of years since either Heaven or Hell had contacted either Aziraphale or Crowley. It had also been a long time since the both of them had acknowledged the fact that they liked the other, liked the other in a  _ romantic _ situation. Neither one of them knew how to confess their love to the other. They didn’t have any practice with this sort of thing, they’d never had feelings for anyone else in the entire history of the world. 

It felt rather petty in Aziraphale’s opinion. He knew exactly what it would take to find out if Crowley liked him (as something other than a friend). He simply had to ask Crowley about his feelings. Something in him refused to start the conversation. He didn’t want to ruin what they already had by confessing his love for Crowley when Crowley didn’t actually like him back.

Instead of actually talking about it (which in hindsight would have saved  _ a lot _ of trouble). The pair both decided to try and woo the other through various mating rituals from Earth’s animals.

***

Crowley had spent all day looking for the perfect rock. It had to be perfect. If Aziraphale refused it, it would mean it had not worked. None of them seemed to be good enough for the angel. They were all too big or too small or too boring to look at. Damned nature. Why couldn’t it make just one good rock? 

He spotted it. It was a black and grey marbled rock that was the perfect size and had glitter in it. Crowley smiled as he picked it up to examine it more closely. This was it. He rushed over to Aziraphale to present his finding. 

“Look Aziraphale!” Crowley said with pride, extending his arm to give Aziraphale the rock. “I got it for you!” Aziraphale took the rock, a look of complete puzzlement adorned on his face. 

“Thank you?” Aziraphale responded. He looked at the rock. It was quite a nice rock, he did have to admit, but it was still just a  _ rock _ . Why had Crowley decided to hand him some rock that he’d found? What had he done to imply that he wanted a  _ rock? _

No penguins, Crowley concluded glumly. 

***

Aziraphale spent the morning building a nest in the back yard. Crowley was out for the day, so he didn’t have to worry about Crowley finding it too soon. They nest was  _ perfect _ . It was large enough for the pair of them to sit in it  _ and  _ it was soft. 

Usually, owls tempted their mates with food. However, Crowley didn’t eat, so Aziraphale would have to come up with something else, like a special call. That was no problem. Aziraphale knew exactly what he would need to do. 

As soon as Aziraphakle heard the Bentley pull up, he began playing “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Crowley was quite fond of the Queen. He must be since Queen was the only musical artist that ever played in Crowley’s car. It had to work. 

Upon hearing it, Crowley was moved to the back yard. More out of curiosity of what the  _ Heaven _ Aziraphale was doing. Listening to Queen of all things.  _ Queen _ . Aziraphale was more of a classics kind of angel. 

“Oh hello Crowley!” Aziraphale said with a bright smile. 

“What are you doing?” 

“I’ve built a thing!” Aziraphale said. Crowley sighed. 

“It looks like you’ve built a pile of sticks and are listening to Queen,” Crowley replied. Aziraphale climbed into the nest and sat down.

“I have! Come! There’s plenty of room!”

“That’s nice,” Crowley said. “Thank you for the invite, but I have some things to finish up.” 

Owl rituals do not work on demons. 

***

“Would you like to go for a walk, Aziraphale?” Crowley asked. This was part of Crowley’s newest plan of attack. Surely this would work. Something had to. Now he was trying a mammal. Perhaps since Aziraphale was inhabiting the body of a mammal, a mammal courtship ritual would be what worked.

Aziraphale agreed to the walk, even if it was an odd request from the demon. He loved spending time with Crowley and would take it at every opportunity he could. The pair set out on their walk.

At first, it was a normal walk. The pair were side by side and talked the entire way. However, once they were out of sight of the humans, Crowley nipped Aziraphale’s ear and ran off. 

It hadn’t hurt or anything, Aziraphale was just surprised by it. He stopped walking and held his ear. It didn’t make any sense. Why would Crowley  _ bite  _ his ear and then have the audacity to run off. It wasn’t like Crowley at all. 

When Crowley looked over his shoulder and realized that Aziraphale wasn’t following, he realized that foxes weren’t going to work either. 

***

Aziraphale had done it. He’d dyed his wings to be beautiful and vibrant. 

Aziraphale took a deep breath. This was going to be awfully humiliating if Crowley didn’t see it for what it was. However, he had gotten quite desperate at that point and was willing to try anything. He retracted his wings and went out to the living room. Aziraphale turned his back to Crowley and allowed his entire body to shake as he got his wings back out again. 

“Aziraphale what are you doing?” Crowley asked. This was quite a display coming from the angel. Aziraphale didn’t respond. He slowly turned around to show Crowley what he had done. Crowley gasped. “What did you  _ do _ !?” Aziraphale took a step towards Crowley and leaned forward. He continued to mimic the dance of a peacock to his best ability. At least, he did until Crowley shook his head and left the room. 

Aziraphale retracted his wings in shame. No, peacocks did not work.

***

If this didn’t work, Crowley was just going to give up. Humans had one of the most elaborate rituals of them all. He had decided on a combo of a bouquet of roses and a candlelit dinner. 

He had spent most of the afternoon preparing for the dinner. He made the pasta, sauce, and meatballs all from scratch. He had wanted to fully make the garlic bread as well, but he ran out of time to do it. Instead, he settled on buttering and frying a few slices of a loaf he’d found in a store. Everything was  _ perfect. _

When Aziraphale came home, Crowley met him at the door with the roses. Aziraphale had not been expecting the flowers at all but took them graciously. 

“What’s all this?” Aziraphale asked. Crowley shrugged.

“Just wanted to do something for the angel that I love,” Crowley said. As soon as he realized what he’d said, his face came to match his hair. “If . . . if he’ll have me too,” Crowley said. Aziraphale smiled. 

“Of course I will.” He kissed Crowley’s cheek. Crowley, having wanted more for such a long time, pulled the angel in for a proper kiss. Aziraphale sank into the kiss with a smile. 

Who knew that human rituals would work just fine? Obviously neither the angel or demon. 

Aziraphale still thought a simple conversation would have saved them  _ both  _ a lot of trouble. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hits and kudos mean the world to me. Comments fuel me into next week.   
> Find me on Tumblr @justanangelandhisdemon


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